Office Slime Ball Simon: The Corporate Creep Who Rose to Power
Office Slime Ball Simon is a ruthless corporate creep who manipulates, threatens, and slithers his way to the top. He’s wealthy, powerful, cruel — and a truly hilarious office villain.
The Slime Ball Simon: The Ruthless Corporate Prick Who Sold His Soul for Success
If you’ve ever worked with someone and thought, “Wow… that guy is actual human sewage in a tailored suit,” congratulations — you’ve already met someone like Office Slime Ball Simon.
Simon isn’t just a creep. He isn’t just a slime ball. He is the final boss of corporate scumbags — the kind of man who would sell his soul, his mother’s soul, and probably yours too if the ROI looked promising. Simon didn’t climb the corporate ladder; he greased it with the tears of his coworkers and sprinted to the top while laughing.
And now? He reports directly to the CEO of a global tech giant — a terrifying thought for anyone with a conscience, spine, or moral compass.
You don’t need to work in an organisation to know exactly who Slime Ball Simon is.
Slime Ball Simon is one of the many toxic coworkers who quietly shape office culture. Explore the full guide to toxic office personalities here:
James Mason
James Mason
James Mason
Who Is Office Slime Ball Simon?
Simon is the walking embodiment of everything wrong with corporate culture.
He’s polished. He’s wealthy. He’s successful.
And absolutely none of it was earned ethically.
- Best suits
- Best car
- The biggest house on the hill
- A new woman every week (because the old one escaped or was “performance managed out”)
Simon has curated a lifestyle so extravagant that even politicians ask him for tips on hiding questionable behaviour behind luxury brands.
He’s got a face permanently set to “fake warmth,” a handshake so slimy it leaves residue, and a LinkedIn profile full of words like visionary, disruptor, and leadership excellence — all euphemisms for corporate sociopath.
James Mason
What’s Simon Like at Work?
In simple terms?
Imagine a snake wearing a Hugo Boss suit pretending to care about KPIs.
Simon rules the office like a tyrant with a Bluetooth headset. He doesn’t ask questions — he interrogates. He doesn’t give feedback — he destroys self-esteem with surgical precision. And if you dare challenge him? He’ll make sure your corporate obituary is circulated before lunchtime.
James Mason
Common Simon Behaviours:
- Takes credit for every good idea the team has ever produced
- Blames everyone else for his own mistakes — even the intern, even the office dog
- Uses phrases like “circle back” and “strategic realignment” to avoid accountability
- Sends 5:59 PM emails “because it shows commitment”
- Books meetings during your lunch break deliberately
- Has a dedicated list of people to backstab (alphabetical, laminated)
This man doesn’t simply throw you under the bus — he drives the bus, reverses, and emails HR claiming you “showed resistance to change.”
The Office Bantomime Team
Simon’s Rise to Power
You’d think someone this morally bankrupt would be caught by HR eventually.
No.
Because Simon treats HR like his personal spa day.
Every complaint mysteriously vanishes.
Every investigation gets quietly closed.
Every witness suddenly “can’t recall the events.”
He hasn’t “worked his way to the top” — he has intimidated, manipulated, and slime-trailed his way there like a corporate slug in an Armani tie.
Now he’s second only to the CEO… which is a bit like discovering the boss of the Death Star has just been promoted.
How Does Simon Treat His Team?
As disposable.
As replaceable.
As fuel for his ego machine.
Your success?
His idea.
Your failure?
Your fault.
Your stress?
Not his concern.
Your resignation?
“Good luck in your future endeavours.”
(Translation: he already replaced you in his head three months ago.)
Why Does Simon Keep Getting Away With It?
Because he’s brilliant at one thing:
appearing indispensable.
He networks like his life depends on it.
He schmoozes executives with sickening charm.
He can turn a 10-minute update into a 45-minute performance review of everyone except himself.
He knows where every skeleton is buried — including the ones he dug up and re-buried himself.
Still working with someone like this? Browse the complete Toxic Coworkers hub to discover more workplace archetypes.
James Mason
Final Thoughts on Office Slime Ball Simon
Simon is not just an office archetype — he is a warning sign.
An omen.
A living reminder that sometimes, evil wins… especially when evil can deliver a PowerPoint that makes shareholders money.
He’s ruthless.
He’s polished.
He’s unstoppable.
He’s a corporate prick of the highest tier.
And in your office?
You’ll hear him before you see him.
Just listen…
for the sound of careers being flushed.
