Meet Office Climate Change Clive – The Eco-Warrior Who Makes You Regret Buying a Meal Deal
Meet Office Climate Change Clive — the eco-warrior who polices the bins, lectures you on weather patterns, and drives a Land Rover “for the terrain.” A hilarious green-obsessed office archetype.
Have you ever worked with someone so environmentally committed that you feel guilty just opening a packet of crisps?
Welcome to the world of Office Climate Change Clive, the man single-handedly trying to save the planet… by policing the office kitchen.
James Mason
Clive drives a massive Land Rover to work every day — but don’t you dare question it.
According to him, it’s “essential for rural terrain”, even though he lives exactly 11 minutes away and his “rural drive” has two sets of traffic lights and a Costa.
In the office kitchen, he becomes a full-time Recycling Enforcement Officer.
Put a teabag in the wrong bin?
He’ll appear behind you like a disappointed ghost, holding the offending item between his fingers like it’s radioactive waste.
He has three favourite phrases:
- “That doesn’t go in that bin.”
- “Who put plastic in the mixed paper?”
- “I’m not angry… just environmentally devastated.”
Whatever you do, don’t mention the weather.
A sunny day in February?
According to Clive, the end is nigh, and it’s your fault for buying strawberries in winter.
James Mason
His annual leave is never spent relaxing.
Oh no.
Clive spends his holidays at climate marches with the whole family, all wearing ethically sourced outfits stitched together from bamboo fibres and hope.
His children have reused clothes only — vintage, hand-me-down, upcycled, or painstakingly handmade from “reclaimed fabrics”.
When they turn up at school in trousers made from an old tent, that’s not bullying material — that’s sustainability.
He detests plastic with every fibre of his being.
If you dare crack open a bottle of Evian in his presence, he’ll gasp so loudly the whole office will think HR’s been fired again.
He’s also been known to:
- Bring in homemade vegan flapjacks that taste like compressed anxiety.
- Lecture the office for 20 minutes because someone left a light on “for NO REASON”.
- Boycott the company BBQ because it didn’t offer lab-grown meat.
- Call Facilities at 6:01 pm to make sure the air con “really, truly is turned off”.
- Wear a Patagonia gilet like it's a regulation uniform.
Clive means well.
He genuinely does.
But working with him sometimes feels like being monitored by David Attenborough’s angrier cousin.
Final Thought:
Climate Change Clive cares deeply about the planet — and deeply about reminding you that you don’t.
But hey… if the world does end, at least he’ll be there to say, “I told you so.”
James Mason
