Office Archetypes

Office Diversity Officer Dave: The Most Unqualified Man Ever to Hold the Job

Meet Dave, the world’s least-qualified Diversity Officer — offensive, outdated, and unintentionally hilarious. A walking HR disaster who absolutely shouldn’t be doing the job he’s doing.

by James Mason

Updated November 28, 2025

Action figure of Office Diversity Officer Dave with accessories — bulldog, darts, van and pint.

Have you ever looked at someone in the office and thought, There is absolutely no way that person should be doing that job?

Well, meet Dave — the living, breathing embodiment of that exact feeling.

To be brutally honest, Dave being a Diversity Officer is one of the greatest administrative mistakes in corporate history. It’s up there with sending the wrong email to the CEO, misspelling the company name on marketing brochures, or microwaving fish in the office kitchen. It simply shouldn’t happen… yet here we are.

Dave does not look like a Diversity Officer.
He does not speak like a Diversity Officer.
He does not act like a Diversity Officer.

If anything, Dave looks like he wandered into the building during a routine spot-check for fire extinguishers and was handed the role by accident.

Dave’s Approach to Diversity: A Catalogue of HR Nightmares

Dave has a particular talent: saying the exact opposite of what his job description requires. His version of “diversity training” involves grumbling, sighing, getting everyone's name wrong, and making statements that HR legally shouldn’t have to deal with in 2025.

A few of Dave’s classics include:

“Put the kettle on, love, I’m up to my neck in paperwork.”
(To every woman he encounters.)
“Bloody women.”
(Usually after someone corrects him, or simply walks past him.)
“I don’t see colour. Except when England’s playing — then it’s just red and white.”
“Back in my day, people didn’t need diversity. We had two types of people: workers and slackers.”
“I’m not being funny, but why do we need all these awareness days? What about a Dave Awareness Day? I’m underappreciated.”
“If people stopped being so sensitive, I wouldn’t be in trouble every week.”
“We didn’t have pronouns in the ’70s. We barely had chairs.”
“How am I supposed to promote inclusion when half the office annoys me?”

Dave regularly completes HR-mandated training, but treats every quiz like it’s a personal attack. He clicks “Disagree” on questions that don’t even give him that option.

A Walking Contradiction

Despite working in diversity, Dave proudly owns:

Two British bulldogs (both named Spike)
A white van he affectionately calls “The Patriot”
An England flag is permanently stuck in his glove box
A tattoo that says “Made in Britain” but looks like it was done in a pub toilet

Every time Dave walks into a meeting, you can feel HR sit up straight — not because he’s important, but because they’re preparing to draft another apology email.

Dave’s Diversity Workshops: An Experience Nobody Wants Twice

Dave’s training sessions have become legendary, mostly because people leave them traumatised, confused, or filing complaints.

His typical workshop agenda includes:

Dave ranting about something irrelevant
Dave contradicting the company’s entire diversity policy
Dave telling a story beginning with “I’m not racist, but…”
Dave shouting at the projector
Dave saying “BACK IN MY DAY…” for the 14th time
Dave ending the session early because he “needs a fag and a pint”

Somehow, he still signs the session sheet with enormous pride, as if he has changed the world for the better.

Why HR Still Hasn’t Fired Dave

Because they’re terrified of him.

Not physically — though he does look like a man who could headbutt a vending machine into working order — but because firing him would require an investigation, statements, documentation… and frankly, nobody wants to sit in a small room with Dave for three hours.

So instead, they quietly hope he retires.
But Dave has made it clear: he’s going nowhere.