Meet Office Vending Machine Myles — The Man, The Myth, The Expired Snack King

If you’ve ever wondered who keeps your office vending machine alive, barely functional, or suspiciously empty, let us introduce you to Office Vending Machine Myles — the man who turns restocking snacks into a full-time lifestyle and a part-time performance art piece.

Myles tends to pop into the office more often than necessary. Not only to “top up stock,” but also to top himself up with any of his favourite chocolate bars that he’s mysteriously “run out of” in his van. No one checks his inventory, so he’s basically operating a personal pick-and-mix economy.

Meet Office Energy Drinker Ehsaan — The Night-Shift Vampire Running on Pure Caffeine

Ehsaan has done more night shifts than Dracula and now survives purely on energy drinks. Unseen, unthanked, and always freezing — meet the night-shift legend.

Office BantomimeJames Mason

And if Myles simply can’t be arsed to fix the machine? No problem. He keeps his trusty OUT OF ORDER sign tucked under his arm like a cowboy carries a revolver. One slap of that baby onto the machine and he’s out of the building before anyone can say “my Snickers got stuck again.”

Cold Weather Season = Myles Season

During the winter, Myles becomes a semi-permanent fixture in the office kitchen.
Tea? Yes please.

Biscuits? Don’t mind if he does.
A long, detailed conversation about “motor coils” and “temperature sensors” while he warms up? Essential.

Meet Office Climate Change Clive – The Eco-Warrior Who Makes You Regret Buying a Meal Deal

Meet Office Climate Change Clive — the eco-warrior who polices the bins, lectures you on weather patterns, and drives a Land Rover “for the terrain.” A hilarious green-obsessed office archetype.

Office BantomimeThe Office Bantomime Team

He’ll talk you through the internal engineering of a vending machine with the passion of a man who once read half a manual in 1996.

But the moment someone asks why the crisps always get stuck halfway down, he suddenly remembers something VERY important he urgently needs to do elsewhere.

The Home Warehouse (Also Known as His House)

According to Myles, his home is the perfect place to store vending machine stock:

• Boxes of crisps
• Chocolate bars
• Multibuy cartons of flapjacks
• Maybe one slightly sad sandwich from 2019

He insists it “saves warehouse space” — which is ironic, because the warehouse is empty and his living room looks like the inside of a petrol station shop.

Meet Office Body Odour Bob: The Guy Who Can Clear a Room Faster Than a Fire Alarm

Meet Office Body Odour Bob — a lovely coworker whose smell is strong enough to clear a room. No one dares confront him, so everyone blames a “medical condition” and prays for cooler weather.

Office BantomimeJames Mason

Supplier, Technician, Philosopher

You’d think being the vending machine technician is enough.
But no — Myles is also:

• The supplier
• The stock controller
• The driver
• The man who accidentally “forgets” to order a Diet Coke but always has plenty of Twixes at home

This dual role makes things “more challenging,” according to Myles — although mysteriously, the only thing he struggles to supply consistently is actual, usable stock.

Meet Office Vegan Vera — The Co-Worker Who Can Make You Feel Guilty Just by Eating Lunch

Office Vegan Vera means well… but somehow she makes you feel guilty just for eating lunch. From soy milk invasions to avocado evangelism, here’s the colleague who silently judges every bite.

Office BantomimeJames Mason

Other Things Myles is Known For:

✔ Bringing tools but never using them
✔ Claiming “the card reader needs resetting” and then disappearing for 45 minutes
✔ Restocking everything except the one thing everyone actually wants
✔ Leaving the warehouse at 10am “because of traffic”
✔ Eating a packet of crisps while standing directly in front of the machine he’s supposed to be fixing
✔ Keeping at least three “Not Me” Post-its to attach to any machine faults he doesn’t want to deal with
✔ Explaining that prices have gone up “because of inflation” while his pockets are literally full of snacks
✔ Telling people he’ll “swing back later” — and never returning
✔ Knowing everyone in the building by name because he spends more time with them than their actual colleagues

Final Thought

If your vending machine is empty, broken, or weirdly warm, one thing is certain: Myles has definitely been there.
Whether he fixed anything is another question entirely.