Meet Vape Monster Vic – The Office’s Walking Fog Machine
Vic owns more vapes than an entire factory line and spends half his day at the vape shelter collecting gossip like Pokémon cards. Each day brings a new fruity scent, a new cloud, and a new bit of corporate intel.
Vic likes to vape.
In fact, Vic owns more vape machines than a vape machine factory run by vape machines that vape during their lunch break. His desk drawer looks like a neon-coloured tech graveyard full of cartridges, pods, coils, batteries, refills, mystery USB cables, and that one vape he lost in 2021 that somehow still works.
James Mason
Whenever he feels even a fraction of stress—someone mentions CAB, someone says “quick question,” someone forwards him an email chain with 19 CCs—you can guarantee Vic will already be halfway out the door, marching to the Vape Shelter like a soldier heading to battle.
Rain? He vapes.
Snow? He vapes.
Biblical-level hailstones? He vapes.
Full apocalyptic blizzard? He stands outside in a cloud of Blueberry Ice, unfazed.
James Mason
Each day, he brings a new scent to the office—Bubble-gum Avalanche, Mango Hurricane, Arctic Mint Rumble, Strawberry Disco Panic.
And to be fair, it’s better than the stench of Dave’s tuna lunch or Bob’s permanently dead deodorant.
Vic has become the company’s unofficial intelligence agency.
Because while people vape with him, they talk.
They talk a LOT.
Finance, HR, DevOps, Procurement… everyone has vented to Vic at some point, leaving him armed with more gossip than the receptionist who “accidentally overhears” everything.
James Mason
He knows who’s leaving.
Who’s getting promoted
Who’s secretly dating
Who cried in Meeting Room 3.
Who caused the outage that “nobody will ever speak of again”
Vic knows. Vic always knows.
More things about Vic that are hilariously true:
- He’s been late to three fire drills because “the vape was just getting good.”
- Claims he’s “cutting down,” then buys a £38 Dragonfruit Thunderstick XL that lasts 11 minutes.
- If you see him indoors looking stressed, you know he’s counting the seconds until he can legally explode into a cloud of menthol steam.
- IT once tried to confiscate one of his vapes because they thought it was a rogue piece of equipment interfering with Wi-Fi.
- His coat permanently rattles from spare pods bouncing in the pockets.
- He has a loyalty card at every vape shop within a 20-mile radius… and they all know his birthday.
Vic isn’t just a Vape Monster.
He’s a walking fog machine.
A minty-fresh gossip sponge.
A nicotine-free, strawberry-powered office legend.
James Mason
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, Vic isn’t just a man with a vape problem — he’s a cultural landmark. A weatherproof, mint-scented beacon of office life. While others hide behind Teams statuses like “In a Meeting,” Vic stands proudly outdoors, puffing his Strawberry Cyclone into the sky like a corporate steam train.
Is he productive?
Yes.
Is he a security risk due to the sheer amount of secrets he absorbs at the vape shelter?
Also yes.
But without Vic, the office would smell worse, feel duller, and have absolutely no idea what’s really going on.
He’s more than Vape Monster Vic.
He’s the unofficial communications department.
The Keeper of Rumours.
The Fog That Binds Us All.
Long may he puff.
