Loud Bastard Bryn: The Office Noise Nightmare Everyone Dreads
Meet Loud Bastard Bryn — the office worker who treats every phone call like a stadium announcement. When his headset goes on, co-workers reach for ear protection.
Every office has one.
The person who believes volume equals effectiveness.
While everyone else speaks into their headset like normal human beings, Bryn treats every call like he’s addressing a packed football stadium.
The moment Bryn’s headphones go on, coworkers quietly reach for their ear muffs.
Because they know what's coming.
And once it starts…
It doesn’t stop.
The Sound of Bryn
Bryn insists he’s simply being clear and energetic.
But to everyone within a three-floor radius, it sounds more like a public announcement system malfunction.
Every call he takes becomes an unavoidable office broadcast.
You might be quietly writing a report.
You might be concentrating on a spreadsheet.
You might even be trying to enjoy your lunch in the office cafeteria.
And yet somehow…
You can still hear Bryn.
What Makes Loud Bastard Bryn So Recognisable
You’ll know Bryn immediately if you see these behaviours:
• Every phone call is conducted at maximum volume
• Coworkers visibly flinch when his headset goes on
• Conversations can be heard through multiple walls
• Lunch breaks are ruined by distant shouting
• Clients often sound confused or overwhelmed on calls
• HR complaints about “volume levels” have been logged more than once
Bryn’s response to all of this?
“It’s just who I am.”
The Wall Street Delusion
Part of Bryn’s problem is image.
He walks around the office with his headset permanently attached, pacing between desks like a high-powered Wall Street trader closing multi-million-dollar deals.
In reality?
Bryn sells bulk stationery supplies.
Printer paper.
Staples.
Ring binders.
Despite the performance, he consistently ranks near the bottom of the sales leaderboard, while his quieter colleagues outperform him with far less drama.
The Client Problem
The shouting isn’t just an internal issue.
Clients have also started to complain.
Several have reported feeling like they’re being yelled at rather than spoken to.
Some have even asked to be transferred to another salesperson.
To Bryn, this is baffling.
From his perspective, he’s simply being enthusiastic.
To everyone else, he sounds like he’s trying to negotiate office supplies during a fire alarm.
HR’s Growing Concern
At first, HR treated it as a minor workplace quirk.
A friendly reminder here.
A quiet chat there.
But as complaints stacked up from coworkers, managers, and even clients, the tone began to change.
Bryn has now received multiple warnings about his behaviour.
And HR are currently preparing what appears to be his final warning.
The suggested solution?
A hearing test.
Bryn’s response?
“I don’t need a hearing test. Everyone else just needs to relax.”
What’s Actually Going On (The Psychology)
Loud communicators like Bryn often share a few common traits.
They associate volume with authority.
They believe speaking louder means they are more confident, more persuasive, and more engaging.
But in shared environments like offices, the opposite tends to happen.
Instead of projecting confidence, constant loudness:
• Disrupts concentration
• Increases stress for co-workers
• Damages professional relationships
• Creates negative impressions with clients
Ironically, the louder Bryn gets, the less effective his communication becomes.
🚩 Red Flags: Loud Bastard Bryn
If you notice these warning signs in your office, you may be dealing with a Loud Bastard Bryn.
🚩 Every call is conducted at maximum volume
Even when wearing a headset, Bryn shouts as if the person on the other end is across a football stadium.
🚩 Coworkers immediately brace themselves when the headset goes on
The moment Bryn prepares to make a call, desks nearby become tense and headphones suddenly appear.
🚩 You can hear him through the walls
Meeting rooms, corridors, and even the cafeteria offer no escape from Bryn’s commentary.
🚩 Clients sound confused or uncomfortable
Some customers feel like they’re being shouted at rather than spoken to.
🚩 He refuses to consider a hearing test
Despite multiple complaints about his volume, Bryn insists nothing is wrong.
🚩 HR complaints are stacking up
Managers and HR have already had several conversations with Bryn about his behaviour.
🚩 He genuinely believes he’s not shouting
In Bryn’s mind, this is simply “speaking clearly”.
How to Deal With Loud Bastard Bryn
Working near someone like Bryn can be exhausting, but there are a few strategies that help.
1. Noise-cancelling headphones
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one.
2. Desk relocation
If possible, moving a few desks away can dramatically reduce the impact.
3. Manager intervention
Occasionally,, someone in authority needs to explain that volume control is part of professional communication.
4. Meeting room calls
Encouraging Bryn to take louder calls in private spaces can protect the rest of the office.
Bryn’s Daily Lunch Routine
Lunchtime offers no escape from Loud Bastard Bryn.
While most coworkers head to the cafeteria for a bit of peace, Bryn stays exactly where he is — at his desk. The headset comes off, but the noise somehow gets even worse.
For his full one-hour lunch break, Bryn leans back in his chair, shuts his eyes, and blasts hard-core rock thrash music through a massive set of headphones that, unfortunately for everyone else, have zero noise cancelling.
The music bleeds into the office like a distorted stadium concert.
Colleagues in nearby rows try to concentrate. Some put on their own headphones. Others simply give up and relocate to quieter corners of the building.
Meanwhile, Bryn sits there smiling peacefully, completely convinced he’s enjoying a quiet, relaxing lunch break.
Final Thoughts
Loud Bastard Bryn isn’t trying to be difficult.
In his mind, he’s simply bringing energy to the job.
But in a shared workspace, constant shouting turns everyday work into a noise endurance test.
And while Bryn insists he can’t help it…
HR are starting to think otherwise.
Because when the entire office reaches for ear protection the moment your headset goes on…
It might be time to turn the volume down.
Frequently Asked Questions About Loud Bastard Bryn
What is a Loud Bastard Bryn in the workplace?
A Loud Bastard Bryn is the coworker who conducts every phone call at maximum volume. Even while wearing a headset, Bryn speaks so loudly that conversations can be heard across the office, through walls, and sometimes even from the cafeteria.
Why do some coworkers shout on phone calls?
Some people associate volume with confidence or authority, especially in sales environments. They believe speaking loudly makes them sound more persuasive or energetic, but in most modern workplaces, it simply creates disruption and frustration for everyone nearby.
Is shouting in an office considered unprofessional?
In most workplaces, yes. Constantly shouting during calls can distract colleagues, damage concentration, and create a stressful environment. It can also affect client relationships if customers feel like they’re being yelled at.
What should you do if a coworker is too loud?
If a coworker’s volume regularly disrupts the office, there are a few options:
• Politely mention the issue
• Use noise-cancelling headphones
• Speak with a manager if the disruption continues
• Encourage them to take louder calls in a meeting room
In serious cases, HR may need to step in.
Why do Loud Bastard Bryns often deny they’re shouting?
Many loud communicators genuinely don’t realise how loud they are. Because they’re focused on their own voice through a headset, they often assume they’re speaking normally even when everyone else hears something very different.
Can being too loud affect job performance?
Yes. While enthusiasm can be positive, constant shouting can damage teamwork, reduce productivity, and create complaints from both coworkers and clients. In some cases, repeated complaints can even lead to HR warnings.
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