Office Paranoid Pamela – The Colleague Who Thinks Everyone Is Out to Get Her
Paranoid Pamela lives in constant fear of HR plots, management surveillance, and corporate conspiracies. Every whisper is a threat and every typo a downfall in her mind.
Pamela has always been… let’s say… on the anxious side.
Some colleagues call it “high alert.” Others call it “mild panic.” Pamela calls it Tuesday.
James Mason
She’s had trust issues since day one. If someone says “Good morning,” she’s convinced they’re implying something. If someone holds the lift door for her, she assumes they’re trying to trap her in a conversation about her performance.
Negativity isn’t just her mindset — it’s her emotional support animal.
But her real battle?
The corporate world.
Because Pamela is certain it’s trying to eliminate her.
She lives in permanent fear that she’s at the top of the redundancy list — even though redundancies aren’t even planned this year. If someone tells her she made a typo in an email, she believes it’s a tactical HR vendetta to build a dismissal case.
She once overheard management laughing in the kitchen.
Pamela spent the afternoon drafting a 17-point timeline of “suspicious behaviour.”
And when HR asked her to book her holidays before the cut-off date, she didn’t think:
“Thanks for the reminder.”
She thought:
“Why me? Why now? Who told them I was vulnerable?”
James Mason
Pamela’s coping mechanisms include:
- Leaving anonymous notes addressed to herself, just in case someone else planned to leave one first.
- Labelling every item on her desk with “DON’T TOUCH — I KNOW IF YOU MOVED IT” (she has 14 versions, each with stronger handwriting pressure).
- Keeping “evidence” of absolutely nothing — screenshots of Teams chats she was never part of, CCTV-style sketches of colleagues walking by her desk, timestamps of when someone coughed.
- Spinning around in her swivel chair every few minutes to make sure nobody is “lurking.”
- Attending every meeting early so she can sit with her back firmly against a wall.
Her biggest fear?
People whispering.
Doesn’t matter if it’s gossip, weekend plans, or someone asking where the stapler is — Pamela hears:
“Let’s get her.”
Her second biggest fear?
The office swivel chair.
Because it turns.
And if it turns, people can sneak up behind her.
Her third biggest fear?
The phrase: “Can I grab you for a quick chat?”
She starts drafting her resignation immediately.
James Mason
But deep down, behind the panic and the 24/7 defence mode, Pamela means well.
She’s just exhausted from fighting corporate battles…
most of which exist only in her head.
Final Thought:
In every office, there’s someone who thinks the world is plotting against them.
At Office Bantomime, that someone is Pamela — and honestly, she’s probably watching you reading this right now.
