Voodoo Dolls for the Office: The Workplace Solution HR Pretends Doesn’t Exist
A retro comic-style office gadget promising sweet revenge on micromanagers and backstabbers. Because when HR looks away, satire steps in with pins
Let’s be honest. Every office has that coworker.
The one who’s out to get you.
The one who belittles your ideas in meetings.
The one who micromanages you like you’re one wrong click away from deleting the company.
For these individuals, there is now a perfectly reasonable solution: Voodoo Dolls for the Office.
Coworkers who are out to get you, belittle you, and micromanage you deserve to experience the magic of the voodoo doll. Simply read the instructions, set up the doll, and pin away. Go home. Sleep well. By morning, you may notice… results.
No meetings. No follow-ups. No action plans.
What Problem Does This Gadget Solve?
This gadget tackles one of the most persistent workplace issues known to humankind: people who shouldn’t be managing anyone, but somehow are.
It’s designed for:
- Chronic micromanagers
- Meeting hogs
- “Just checking in” enthusiasts
- Coworkers who CC everyone for sport
Traditional solutions include HR complaints, difficult conversations, and “being the bigger person.” This gadget skips straight to emotional closure.
How It Works (According to the Instructions)
Using a reassuringly simple process, the voodoo doll allows you to regain a sense of control:
- Read the instructions carefully (written in calm, authoritative 1950s language).
- Customise the doll so it closely resembles your coworker — posture, tie, and facial expression of mild menace.
- Insert pins thoughtfully and responsibly.
- Place the doll somewhere safe, preferably out of HR’s line of sight.
By the next working day, you may experience:
- Sudden peace
- Reduced meeting invites
- Or a suspicious improvement in behaviour
Science cannot confirm this. Satisfaction can.
Why Not Go Through HR?
You could, of course, be professional.
You could log a complaint.
You could follow the process.
You could wait.
But let’s not pretend HR doesn’t already know what’s happening. Sometimes they’ve turned a blind eye. Sometimes they’re “reviewing it.” And sometimes, uncomfortably, they’re part of the problem.
The voodoo doll requires no forms, no approvals, and no “we’ll circle back.”
Where to Buy One
Voodoo Dolls for the Office can be purchased discreetly at your local supermarket, usually located between:
- Stress balls
- Herbal sleep aids
- And magazines promising “10 Ways to Be Happier at Work”
Simply place one in your basket, avoid eye contact, and proceed to checkout like a functioning adult.
For legal reasons, it will be labelled a “novelty item.”
We all know what that means.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Customer Reviews (Verified by Absolutely No One)
“Five stars. Reggie stopped ‘just checking in’ every 12 minutes.”
— Sandra, Open-Plan Survivor
“Used it once. My manager said ‘Let’s circle back’ and never did.”
— Neil, Still Waiting
“I didn’t even use the pins. Just owning it helped.”
— Karen, Drawer-Based Coping Specialist
“HR asked why morale improved. I said nothing.”
— Anonymous, For Obvious Reasons
Important Disclaimer (Please Pretend You Read This)
Voodoo Dolls for the Office are a novelty item. Any resemblance to your actual coworker, manager, or HR representative is purely coincidental — even if the haircut is perfect.
Office Bantomime does not endorse:
- Pinning dolls during working hours
- Bringing dolls into meetings as “support materials”
- Claiming “the doll made me do it” during disciplinary procedures
Side effects may include calm, clarity, and a reduced urge to scream into a printer.
Under no circumstances should this product be reported to HR.
How HR Would Describe This Product
“While we acknowledge employees may experience feelings, the use of mystical objects to resolve interpersonal conflict is not part of our approved framework.”
Translation:
Please stop fixing problems faster than we can ignore them.
You May Also Need…
If this gadget speaks to you, consider pairing it with:
- Instant Resignation Spray
- Time Watch to Freeze Your Boss
- Email Delay Button
- Out of Office Excuse Generator
All available from the same aisle. Allegedly.
Office Bantomime Verdict
Is this the healthiest way to manage workplace conflict?
No.
Is it cheaper than therapy, quicker than HR, and far more satisfying than a passive-aggressive email?
Absolutely.
Voodoo Dolls for the Office — because sometimes surviving work requires creativity, satire, and a few well-placed pins.
Price: £3.99 or one remaining shred of patience
If you read this far, you are either very tired or very employed
