Why Every Office Has a Meeting Wanker (and How to Survive Them)

Introduction

You know the type — the person who arrives five minutes early to a meeting they didn’t need to be in, adjusts the speakerphone like it’s a musical instrument, and opens with, “Great energy in the room today,” as if they’ve just unlocked a motivational keynote. He smells faintly of decaf and self-importance.

That’s Office Meeting Wanker. He treats agendas like scripture, slides like sacred texts, and silence like an insult to his vocation. If meetings were a religion, he’d be the bishop with a clipboard.

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Office BantomimeJames Mason

Who Is Office Meeting Wanker?

He’s the colleague who insists every discussion requires an invite, minutes, and a follow-up workshop. He believes clarity equals control and controls everything through meetings. He loves the sound of his own voice amplified by conference room acoustics and will volunteer to “facilitate” because facilitating sounds productive — even when it isn’t.

You may find him wearing an eternal V-neck jumper over a shirt-and-tie, carrying a notepad like a talisman, and having a talent for turning any quick decision into a 12-step process requiring three stakeholders and a PowerPoint slide show.

Common Traits

• Agenda Zealot — will email an agenda at 10:05 for a 10:15 start and follow up with a 37-point amendment at 10:12.
• Minute Magician — believes in documenting the air itself: “Action: breathe — assign to Tom.”
• Time Illiterate — a 20-minute slot becomes an epic trilogy.
• PowerPoint Pacifier — slides on slides. If words exist, he will animate them.
• Facilitation Fanatic — flipcharts, dot-voting, ice-breakers — all mandatory.
• Consensus Collector — cannot decide without a working group and subcommittee.
• Polite Interruptor — “Just to piggyback on that…” → 17-minute aside.
• Follow up with Another Meeting - Most meetings he hosts tend to get followed up with another meeting.

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Office BantomimeJames Mason

Favourite Phrases

• “Let’s put that on the backlog.”
• “We’ll need a working session.”
• “Can we table this for now?”
• “Who’s the owner on that action?”
• “I’ll take that offline.”

Why Every Office Has a Meeting Wanker

Because somewhere, someone thought meetings were the answer. And meetings breed more meetings.

He’s not evil — he’s managerial theatre. He offers structure to people who panic at the thought of making a decision and comfort to those who like the illusion of progress.

He’s a meeting ecosystem engineer: when in doubt, schedule a meeting.

Also, calendars are addictive. That little green block on Outlook? Ecstasy. He collects them like merit badges.

His Accessories (Always Within Reach)

• Leather Notepad — labelled “Meeting Minutes” and full of bullet points that never become actions.
• Lanyard with 3 ID Badges — for authority; rotates depending on the meeting theme.
• Reusable Coffee Cup — half full, reheated twice, spiritually necessary.
• A Crumpled Post-it Stack — where decisions go to retire.
• A QR Code to a Google Doc — that nobody remembers to open.

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Office BantomimeJames Mason

Is He Harmless or Harmful?

Harmless? Occasionally. Harmful? Frequently.

He slows projects, burns time, and gives junior staff PTSD about calendar invites. He’s rarely malicious — usually, he genuinely believes running another workshop is the only ethical thing to do. But productivity suffers, deadlines move, and morale dips whenever he’s in full “sync-up” mode.

How to Survive an Office Meeting Wanker

✅ Short, sharp invites — send a one-line agenda. If he replies with “expand,” reduce the font size.
✅ Designate a Time-Keeper — loud timers are your friend. Make it visible.
✅ Refuse the Recap Email — reply “Noted” to his 14-paragraph summary and move on.
✅ Create a No-Meeting Block — set calendar blackouts and defend them like sacred ground.
✅ Force Decisions — ask for a yes/no vote at item 3. Watch him panic.
✅ Volunteer for the Action — take the task, complete it, file it, and then never invite him to follow-ups.
✅ Use Emojis — a single ✅ in the calendar invite kills 90% of follow-up theatrics.
✅ Call out the Process — “Do we need the meeting or just the outcome?” — say this calmly and repeat as needed.

Warning Signs You’re Turning Into One

You’ve drafted a meeting agenda to discuss whether another agenda is necessary.
You’ve used the phrase “Let’s align on alignment.”
You prefer charts to conversations.
If this sounds like your mirror: congratulations, you’re the meeting problem.

Final Thought

Office Meeting Wanker is not the villain of the story — he’s the symptom of a calendar cult. Treat the disease (over-reliance on meetings), not just the symptom (one man’s PowerPoint addiction). Reduce the meetings. Measure the outcomes. Celebrate succinctness.

Know someone who schedules a meeting to schedule another meeting? Tag them. Roast them gently. And maybe — just maybe — invite them to a 15-minute standup with a hard stop.