How to write a good-bye email to an office you hate

Dear colleagues of the damned,

It's been a long time coming, but thanks to me and no thanks to any of you, I'm free of this damned hell place.

For the last twelve months, I've been sitting at my desk, with no help or support from anyone and because of the bitchiness and snide comments I've received on many occasions, I have decided to leave. I don't think I've loathed anyone as much as you lot.

My Boss

I find it surprising that you are able to walk upward at all without any spine. You're a complete waste of space and a blithering idiot. I hope you rot under a bridge somewhere.

HR

Tell me only this. Why do you exist?

The only person who has shown me any compassion is the vending machine man, who makes his delivery every fortnight to fill up the snack machine. He doesn't even work here and he asks me how I am doing.

On a positive note, I've disconnected from a majority of you who were already linked to me on LinkedIn. This is something you will have to live with and it's all your own doing that's caused this.

Although I do resent you all, I do find myself praying for you at the same time as I've never come across a bunch of freeloaders who can empty a box of free doughnuts at lightning speed as you can, without so much as a thank-you. I'm praying for your waistlines to remain intact.

The Pranks

Filling up my entire drawers with polystyrene as a prank wasn't funny and was disrespectful. It took me ages to vacuum out the bits and you had the audacity to make a complaint to HR because of the noise the vacuum cleaner was making. I've never known HR to react so quickly who summoned me into a room to accuse me of gross misconduct. How many more times were you going to rearrange the keys on my keyboard and tape over the sensor on my mouse?

When I accidentally left my computer unlocked it was funny to a certain degree the first time when you decided to email my boss telling him I loved him. When you did it the sixth time, it became a bit tedious and thanks for screwing up my work relationship with my spineless boss.

The real good news is that you are all going to see me again but not as a colleague, but as a client. That's right! Your number one client. The one that pays for your bread and butter. The one you will need to bow down to and lay down the red carpet whenever I decide to visit the office.

See you on the other side

Take care and F*ck off.