Introduction

There are two types of survival games in life: the ones Bear Grylls films in the wilderness… and the ones you play every single day in the office.

While Bear’s busy drinking puddle water, you’re crouched under your desk, dodging HR after that “anonymous” employee survey that wasn’t so anonymous.

Welcome to The Corporate Hide-and-Seek Game. Forget KPIs, synergy, and “leaning in.” The only real skill you need in the modern workplace is knowing how to disappear at exactly the right moment.

Here are 8 hilarious strategies to survive the office — from doomed projects to Christmas party disasters. Master these, and you might just make it to Friday without getting caught (or fired).

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1. The Anonymous Employee Survey (That Isn’t Anonymous)

You spoke your truth: “Management is incompetent, the coffee tastes like burnt tar, and no one trusts Tara in Finance, who is probably stealing pens.” Unfortunately, you forgot one thing — HR knows your writing style. They’ve got software and your IP address. They’ve got time. And IT. They know it’s you.

Survival Strategy: Deny with conviction. Claim you only filled it in at home, so it can’t be tied to your office login. Then gush about how much you “admire the organisation’s culture” and insist your boss is “the best thing since sliced bread.” Throw in a fake laugh and nod too often — classic misdirection.

2. The Team-Building Weekend in the New Forest

Ah, yes, team-building. Nothing says “synergy” like being shouted at by your bully of a boss, micromanaged on how to build a raft by your control-freak team lead, and then watching your cokehead colleague sprint into the woods at 3 a.m., screaming about “visions .”

Survival Strategy: Fake a twisted ankle just before the trust fall. Bonus points if you insist you “don’t want to let the team down” but nobly limp off to call a taxi. You’re home by 8 p.m., watching Netflix while they’re still rowing circles on a half-sunken raft.

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3. The Doomed Project Assignment

There’s a project that’s been passed around the office more than the communal stapler. Everyone knows it’s destined to fail. And guess whose name is “randomly” chosen in the meeting? Yes, yours.

Survival Strategy: Drown them in jargon. Say things like “we’re still in discovery,” “waiting on cross-functional alignment,” or “circling back on the next sprint.” Translation: you’ve done nothing, but it sounds impressive enough to confuse everyone.

4. The HR Payroll Disaster

HR “accidentally” put your boss’s bonus in your account. You were supposed to report it. Instead, you booked two holidays, a PS5, and “networking drinks” that somehow involved five bottles of Prosecco.

Survival Strategy: Act shocked. Very shocked. “Wait — that wasn’t the new employee wellness scheme? I thought the company was rewarding loyalty!” Offer to pay it back… in very small instalments, starting never.

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5. The Charity Run That Turned Into a Bungee Jump

After four pints and a dare, you told everyone you’d raise £500 for charity by jumping off a building taller than the BT Tower. Great cause. Great idea. Except you hate heights… and accidentally spent £200 of the donations on Deliveroo and lager.

Survival Strategy: Rebrand. Tell everyone it’s no longer a bungee jump, it’s a “mental resilience challenge” where you confront your fear of heights by not doing it. Add in a slideshow about “self-care” and you’re suddenly inspirational.

6. Presentation Day With a Hangover

You’re the keynote speaker. The client has arrived en masse. The projector is set. Your PowerPoint is loaded. There’s only one problem: you’re still drunk from last night’s “quick pint.”

Survival Strategy: Claim it’s deliberate. “We’re trialling an authentic storytelling approach today. No polish, just raw honesty.” Then mutter through the slides like a broken poet. If they look confused, insist it’s “disruptive innovation.”

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7. The Phishing Email Catastrophe

You opened the email. You forwarded it. You killed the servers. The entire organisation is now operating on typewriters and smoke signals — and they know it started with you.

Survival Strategy: Play dumb. “Oh, I thought that email from ‘Amazon Free Prize’ was part of the new staff rewards scheme!” Then volunteer to be on the “cyber awareness” poster campaign — the guilty never get asked twice.

8. The Christmas Party Declaration

The free bar was flowing. “Last Christmas” was playing. You thought it was a great idea to hug your boss and declare, loudly, “I love you more than KPIs.”

Survival Strategy: Laugh it off as “just banter.” Then pivot quickly: “See, I was demonstrating the dangers of mixing alcohol and workplace relationships — a live training module.” Boom. Instant HR compliance hero.

Bonus Scenarios (Because Every Office is a Warzone)

• “Fire Drill Hide-and-Seek” – You’re not outside in the car park; you’re in the loo, scrolling TikTok.
• “The Surprise Town Hall” – Boss announces a “bright future” and you know someone’s about to get fired. You pray it’s not you.
• “Mandatory Fun Day” – Corporate picnic. Egg-and-spoon race. The spoon is dignity, and the egg is your will to live.

Conclusion
Office survival isn’t about productivity — it’s about avoiding accountability while maintaining the appearance of “engagement.”

Whether you’re dodging doomed projects, surviving team-building weekends, or explaining why the servers crashed after you opened “Free Amazon Vouchers.pdf,” remember this: the first rule of the Corporate Survival Game is don’t get caught.

And if all else fails, hide under the desk.