10 Suspicious Similarities Between a Corporate CEO and a Mob Boss
CEOs and mob bosses—worlds apart, or two sides of the same coin? Explore the hilarious parallels between boardrooms and back rooms in this satirical breakdown.
Introduction
When you think of a CEO, you probably picture someone in a tailored suit, sipping overpriced coffee, and using words like synergy without irony. When you think of a mob boss, it’s a smoky back room, a cigar and a drink of whiskey, and someone saying, “It’s not personal, it’s business.”
But here’s the question: are they really that different?
Because if you scratch beneath the Armani suit or the pinstripe trench coat, the worlds of corporate boardrooms and mob warehouses might not be so far apart.
1. The Language Game: Fired vs. Executed
In the corporate world, an employee is “fired.” In the mob world, they’re “executed.” Both end with someone suddenly free of their commitments. One gets a redundancy package, the other gets a closed coffin. Tomato, tomahto.
2. The Team: Staff vs. Crew
A CEO has staff. A mob boss has a crew. One organises Zoom calls, the other organises drive-bys. Both, however, will absolutely talk about “team culture” while reminding you that loyalty is non-negotiable.
James Mason
3. Headquarters vs. Warehouse
Every company needs a home base. For the CEO, it’s a shiny headquarters with free fruit bowls and bean bags. For the mob boss, it’s a dusty warehouse with suspicious stains and a guy called Tony guarding the door. Both serve the same purpose: somewhere to shout at people in private.
4. Directors and Managers vs. Henchmen and Soldiers
A CEO promotes someone to “Director” or “Manager.” The mob boss promotes them to “Henchman” or “Soldier.” The job description is the same: follow orders, take the heat when things go wrong, and smile when the boss walks past.
5. IT Outage vs. Police Bust
Nothing strikes fear like an unexpected IT outage—unless you’ve ever lived through a police bust. In both cases, there’s panic, people running around, and a lot of shouting about whose fault it was. Spoiler: it’s always Dave from IT (or Vinnie from Staten Island).
James Mason
6. Contracts: Paper vs. Verbal
CEOs have contracts—formal, wordy documents that nobody reads until HR shows up. Mob bosses have verbal contracts, usually sealed with a handshake and the words, “If you break this, you break your legs.” Efficiency at its finest.
7. Employee of the Month vs. Body Count Bonus
In the corporate world, Sharon from Accounts might win “Employee of the Month” for colour-coding a spreadsheet. In the mob world, Vito gets a “bonus” for, let’s say, “removing obstacles.” Either way, it’s about results.
8. Human Resources vs. Torture
HR exists to “protect employees,” which usually means protecting the company from lawsuits. The mob’s version is torture. Both get confessions eventually—HR just uses fewer pliers.
James Mason
9. Gardening Leave vs. Prison Time
In business, you might be put on gardening leave while your laptop access is revoked. In the mob, it’s prison time. Both involve a lot of waiting around, reading, and contemplating life choices.
10. The Hitman vs. The 3rd Party Contractor
Finally, both worlds rely on outsourcing. CEOs call in a 3rd party contractor when things get tricky. Mob bosses call in a hitman. The difference? One sends you an invoice, the other sends you a message.
So, What’s the Real Difference?
At the end of the day, CEOs and mob bosses share the same toolkit: fear, loyalty, strategy, and an unshakeable belief that everyone else works for them. The only real difference is that one has a LinkedIn profile and the other doesn’t.
Or maybe they both do. Have you ever scrolled through LinkedIn and thought, “This guy looks like he’d whack someone over unpaid invoices”? Exactly.
