Introduction

What does Meeting Mute Mark actually do?
That’s the million-dollar question. Nobody knows. He’s logged into every single meeting on the calendar, yet contributes as much value as the potted plant in reception.

Does he have any input whatsoever?
Not a chance. The most sound you’ll ever get is the faint crunch of pizza crust when he forgets to mute, followed by a sleepy sigh that sounds like a dying air vent.

Is he literally on meetings to sleep?
Absolutely. His webcam tells no lies: half-closed eyes, a slouched position, and the occasional head-tilt that suggests either deep reflection… or that he’s just nodded off. Spoiler: it’s the latter.

On-camera habits.
When Mark does keep the camera on, it’s only to showcase his two main skills: inhaling coffee and shovelling food into his face. Pizza, cereal, biscuits—it’s basically an episode of Come Dine With Me happening in the corner of your Teams call. Then he vanishes off camera without warning. No “brb,” no courtesy chat message—he’s just gone, like a magician whose only trick is ghosting.

Accessories of Absurdity.

• A newspaper (because nothing says ‘I’m busy’ like looking retro-informed).
• An empty notepad that’s never had ink touch its pages.
• An endless supply of greasy slices that leave fingerprints all over his keyboard.

Other classic Meeting Mute Mark moments:

• Nods aggressively when the boss speaks, then forgets he’s still muted.
• Accidentally unmutes during a snore that could rival a chainsaw.
• Joins the call bang on the dot but clearly rolled straight out of bed.
• Reacts with a thumbs-up emoji, but only after the topic has already been wrapped up.

How Does Meeting Mute Mark Survive?

Mark has perfected the art of corporate camouflage. His survival tactics are subtle but effective:

• The Attendance Illusion: He joins instantly, says “Morning all!” (on time, for once), then disappears into digital silence. People assume he’s “taking notes.” Spoiler: he’s not.
• Background Blur: His blurry background isn’t to hide a messy room—it’s to disguise the fact he’s lying in bed.
• Food-as-Cover: Eating constantly makes it look like he’s just too “busy” to talk. The pizza slice doubles as his mute button.
• Strategic Yawns: He times yawns to look like “deep sighs of agreement.”
• Unmute Roulette: Occasionally, he un-mutes to mumble, “Yeah, makes sense,” before disappearing again. It buys him another week of anonymity.
• The Exit Strategy: Drops a “Sorry, network issues” message only after he’s already been missing for 20 minutes.

How to Deal with Meeting Mute Mark

• Call him by name. It’s the only way to jolt him awake.
• Ask him to “summarise his thoughts.” Watch panic unfold in real time.
• Make the meeting email-free. If he can’t read the newspaper in peace, he might finally leave.
• Install pizza-tracking software. If the slice disappears, so has he.

Final Thoughts on Meeting Mute Mark

Every workplace has one. The silent square on Teams or Zoom that adds nothing but the illusion of attendance. Meeting Mute Mark isn’t dangerous, disruptive, or even dramatic — he’s just… there. Like a screensaver that eats.

He’s perfected the fine art of survival by saying nothing, doing nothing, and hoping nobody notices. And the scary part? It kind of works. He’s been hiding in plain sight for years, powered by pizza slices and muted sighs.

The truth is, Mark doesn’t kill productivity — he just quietly strangles it in the background, one blank stare at a time. You won’t remember his input, because there wasn’t any. What you will remember is the faint crunch of pepperoni mid-presentation.

So next time you see his square flicker on, take a screenshot. Meeting Mute Mark may not be contributing to the project, but he’s definitely contributing to the office meme bank.