Desk Clutter Colin: The Office Mess Who Won’t Be Cleaned Up
Desk Clutter Colin is the office hoarder with greasy hair, creased shirts, and piles of trash. He once saved IT, but now he’s more landfill than legend.
Introduction
Meet Desk Clutter Colin – the office’s own landfill site with a tie. Unfortunately, his desk isn’t the only disaster zone. His personal presentation is a true reflection of his workspace: greasy, long hair that hasn’t met shampoo since the last financial year, a shirt so creased it could pass as origami, and shoes that look like they’ve survived three apocalypses.
When the CEO announces a VIP client tour, Colin doesn’t just panic – he goes full meltdown. Suddenly, an emergency relocation team has to swoop in, remove Colin and his desk, and stash them in the data centre like some banned exhibit.
Yet, despite the mess, Colin once saved the organisation from a catastrophic IT incident. Now the business feels indebted to him – so much so that he’s untouchable. But everyone’s asking: for how long can you trade on that one time you remembered a password no one else could?
James Mason
No one actually knows what he does anymore. His calendar is suspiciously blank, his Teams status is always green (but he’s never seen at his desk), and his best skill seems to be generating new ecosystems of life from pizza crusts left behind in 2019.
Classic Colin Behaviours:
- Leaves his vape charging in every USB port possible – including the CEO’s laptop.
- Has “coffee cup towers” so high they violate health and safety.
- Keeps cables no one can identify – some may date back to Windows 95.
- Starts every sentence with “Back in my day…” before drifting into complete silence mid-story.
- Claims to be “working on the server” but is actually watching conspiracy theory videos in 480p.
James Mason
Survival Guide:
- Never accept food from Colin. Even if he offers pizza, you don’t know what’s actually living on it.
- Keep hand sanitiser within reach if you ever need to pass him paperwork.
- If you need him to do anything, drop a can of Monster Energy near his desk and watch him come alive.
- And remember: Colin’s biggest weapon is the unknown. The less you know about his job, the more powerful he becomes.
